Kuala Lumpur – Malaysia

I have no idea whose idiotic decision it was to book a taxi to the airport less than two hours before departure. I can’t stand being under time pressure at airports because there is simply no need for it. Thankfully our taxi arrived right on 8.30am as scheduled with a flashing amber fuel light and his range firmly on zero although our driver seemed not to worry and delivered us to the airport 25 minutes later. Turned out we would be okay for time considering we had just under an hour to pass through empty check-in desks and speedy security, but no, Sabah immigration had other plans. For some ridiculous reason Sabah requires you to pass through immigration despite already being inside the country you are entering, it’s almost like having to pass immigration on the Isle of White when coming from the UK mainland. With only two immigration officers it took 45 minutes to get through by which time there was enough time for a pee before boarding the plane. Perfect timing indeed, but maybe not worth the stress. 

I struggled to warm to Sabah and despite the tour being a good one I was happy to be on a plane back to Kuala lumper where I would know what to expect from a city and wouldn’t wake every day hoping to be blown away by a wilderness that I knew deep down didn’t exist. Flying may have a role to play in global warming but it doesn’t directly lead to the destruction of natural habitat and can also provide a first-hand view of what is actually happening below for anyone that cares. From the air, northern Borneo looked battered and scarred, there was little to see other than the palm oil plantations. In fact, flying over the sea to the peninsula and coming into land at Kuala Lumpur we were met once again with endless palm oil plantations; hardly surprising I suppose for the world’s second largest producer of oil palm.

I’m not one for luxury but sometimes it’s nice to have a big ass apartment with a big ass bed, a big ass bathroom, and big ass views of the world’s second tallest building from the hotel’s rooftop infinity pool. We had only been in Borneo for 10 days but it had felt like hard work for some reason even though it hadn’t been. The first morning in Kuala Lumpur we went straight to Starbucks for a latte and some calorie intense pastries as though we had not eaten for a year. Yes, I don’t recognise myself either from this passage but its true and I think partly driven by the fact that I now remember what a latte is and so I can reliably order something from a coffee shop that I will consistently like. Being SE Asia, Starbucks provided a set of single-use plastic cutlery for every item of food we ordered, all of which was eaten with our hands. I could have made a fuss but what’s the point? Strangely, Rut did make a fuss, although the lass behind the counter looked somewhat confused. Moments later she (Rut, not the Starbucks lass) was sat in a swanky hairdressers getting her split ends done while I lounged in a literal lounge reading a World Bank report about the evil of subsidies. Why all lady shops don’t have a comfortable lounge area with sofas, WIFI, and coffee for their partners to enjoy is beyond me. Rut then needed to remove the plastic (ironically a couple of single-use plastic knives worth) welded to her nails before we settled at an incredible South American restaurant for lunch. Our first world problems continued into the evening when we had to suck it up and try to enjoy the rooftop pool as adults mobbed the deck to take Insta photos (as obviously did we!) and children kicked about in the pool like drowning wildebeest periodically splashing me with water as I tried to quietly read my book. I know right?

I don’t think we can be judged to harshly for our time spent in a major city and on the second day we made more of an effort despite having to catch a flight at 1.45am. We booked onto a private tour that took us to the houses of three great religions, Islam, Hinduism, and what I originally though was Buddhism. The latter was in fact a Chinese temple, rather beautiful, worth a visit, but worshipped Chinese Gods that looked remarkably like Buddha, in fact, I think it’s same same but different as one would expect from China. It also had great views of the world’s second tallest building. From here we headed down to the mosque, a place that made complete sense to me and a place of beauty as all mosques tend to be. There were also great views of the world’s second tallest building. From here we drove on to the Batu Caves complex full of Hindu shrines and a bloody great big gold statue of the Hindu god of war that guards a large and colourful staircase up to the caves. It’s one of the most popular Hindu shrines outside of India which explains why it was so like India. The temple and mosque beforehand were spotless, calm, and cared for. Batu Caves was a dump full of grime, trash, smells good and bad, and lots of bright colours to really throw the senses into complete meltdown as the brain tries to compute whether the scene is beautiful or wretched. There were monkeys everywhere much to the delight of visitors despite them eating plastic bottles and whatever rubbish was left lying around. I videoed a baby monkey eating a sweet wrapper to go into my archive of evidence in support of my pessimism towards humanity and when I finished and turned around to leave, I was met with a huge group of people all filming on their phones thinking it was simply an adorable scene. But I am no better. After a reasonably successful afternoon of sightseeing we headed back into the city for dinner and then to Kuala Lumper’s most famous landmark, the Petronas Towers. Once the tallest buildings in the world, now the tallest twin buildings in the world, they are a tenth the cost to go up than the Burj Khalifa in Dubai and therefore I just had to go. Never mind the fact the buildings are a shrine to the fossil fuel industry, surrounded by greenwashed advertising in the streets below, the upper decks boast what the company has done to help a small village in Africa, while a luxury shopping mall fills the lower floors. The whole experience felt filthy and not in a good way, as though I had propped up a malevolent regime with my £15 entrance fee, and so to cleanse myself we made our way to one of the bars in the luxury mall to have a pint of Guinness and a glass of French white wine sat next to a tank full of plump looking lobsters flown in from Australia. Unfortunately, all of this had served a purpose. It was finally 10pm and our taxi to the airport was waiting.

I quite like Kuala Lumpur and as I’ve done myself no favours up to now, I may as well continue and just admit that it felt very British. They drive on the correct side of the road – the left, they eat baked beans liberally, and colonial buildings still mingle with the modern. In fact, the Pakistani embassy remains a small colonial building surrounded by gardens that themselves are shadowed by huge glassy skyscrapers. All this gives the city a tinge of old age, an image not helped by the humidity playing havoc on older concrete buildings and I think this gives a Brit like myself that added familiarity. As for the world’s second tallest building, it was just about to be completed and so not yet open for business. A mostly conventional tower although appears more like a building suffering from short man syndrome as the tower appears two parts actual skyscraper and one part pointless pointy spire thing. Then again, all these mega skyscrapers are a complete waste of time and money, built on profiteering from the destruction of natural habitat and selling crap to people that can’t afford it. And with that pointless and hypocritical observation we board a cheap flight to Australia, a county so big and far from anywhere that it would appear it has nothing to worry about.