Melbourne – Australia

After two weeks at home, I boarded the train to London with my bags packed ready to travel to four major cities in four countries across three continents in seven days. I automatically wanted to sigh and think ‘here we go again’, but really what’s the point? It’s who I am, and it’s time I accepted that because if I’m completely honest with myself, I bloody love it. Saturday watching England beat Ireland in the Six Nations in London was followed by dinner with friends in Madrid on Sunday, followed on Monday with a few days in Doha in pursuit of a job. I touched down in Melbourne on the Friday drained of physical and emotional energy yet facing my biggest challenge of the entire trip; getting my relationship back on track and futureproofing it against a few more years of long distance. I therefore doubted the need to bother with a blog for Melbourne but it’s a city that effortlessly demands a story be written about it and besides, before I’d even passed through immigration, I had a traveling first to discuss. So, let’s begin with that. 

It was only a matter of time. Stood in Melbourne airport I waited patiently until it became clear there were no more bags arriving. Never have I registered a bag as lost after it failing to appear on the luggage carousel. I went to the luggage desk where I was met with a look of scepticism from the nice lady apparently well versed in idiots like me who don’t look hard enough for their bag. Thirty minutes later, after much looking around and several radio calls to ground crew outside, she conceded defeat, surprised as much as me that a bag had been lost on a direct flight between Doha and Melbourne with Qatar Airways; from one of the richest countries in the world to one of the richest countries in the world, with one of the best airlines in the world. As frustrating as it was, there have probably been few other moments during my time travelling that losing my bag wasn’t a great deal of bother. On leaving the airport I was met by an over-excited Rut who had spent hours patiently waiting with an extremely colourful sign with my name written on it. Even more impressively we sank over three bottles of wine after dinner as we got down to the business of working out life.

The very next day we found ourselves sat in the MCG watching Aussie Rules alongside one of the Melbourne locals I had met travelling in Africa a few months before and had displayed that usual Aussie no-questions-asked-hospitality by hosting Rut for her first few weeks in the city. The MCG is one of the biggest sporting venues in the world and iconic in Australia, and here were we, in the members section drinking beers out of actual glass served from bars with almost no waiting and sat down near the pitch. When I say members section, half the stadium is for members, not quite hospitality but far jazzier than a normal sporting venue. As for the footy, it’s never made any sense to me until the 15-metre rule was explained to me. That is, if the ball is kicked 15 metres or more, the receiving player can call it and can take another unchallenged kick. How 15 metres is judged by the many referees on the pitch is an unspoken wonder of sport so don’t ask. It turns out that I really enjoy Aussie Rules. It’s fast and tough with very flexible rules it would seem which makes for very entertaining end-to-end sport. We both liked it so much we went again a few days later. 

My second day in Melbourne almost killed me. Rut had organised brunch with a local couple we had travelled with 18 months ago who I had pretty much forgotten, not because they weren’t lovely, simply because I’m forgetful. Luckily my bag had arrived within 24 hours of landing and I was able to put on my smartest rags for the occasion which turned out to be delightful. Sat out on a sunny rooftop terrace we made the most of two hours unlimited booze while munching on some delightful food. The food in Melbourne is sublime. It doesn’t matter if you go out to eat or wonder a supermarket or local market, there is an unbelievable amount of great quality food. So much so, Rut hat has only been there six weeks and has suddenly transformed into Nigella Lawson, although disappointingly she also now orders coffee which isn’t simply a latte but something that sounds like the instruction manual for the Space Shuttle. Probably one of the most Australian things I saw on this trip was The Bogan Toastie, sold from a van in Victoria market, simply a Vegemite and cheese toasted sandwich. But I digress, brunch was great, and we continued on drinking for several hours after while in the knowledge we had to be elsewhere to catchup with friends who had invited us around for a few wines. In another sign of world leading hospitality we were treated to several bottles of wine of increasing price and quality despite the fact we had obviously arrived quite drunk, on a Sunday evening, despite our hosts having work the following day. The last thing I remember was a jug of vodka. I woke up the next morning in the spare room despite our place only being a few minutes’ walk away with a hangover from hell and a photo on the group chat of us drinking rum that I had zero recollection of. It’s safe to say that we took the next few days at a more leisurely pace. 

Rut had provided three options for a day trip; wine tasting, penguins, or the Great Ocean Road. I chose penguins because I knew deep down that was what she was hoping for, especially as the trip included the chance to hold a koala. We hopped on the tour bus and rocked up at a wildlife sanctuary where all koala bear hugging appointments had been booked, thus the first disappointment of the day materialised. However, we still saw the furry little creatures which was enough to induce tears of delight, and to be fair the entire sanctuary was quite interesting with plenty to look at including a rather amusing wombat. We then headed on to Philip Island, famed for its penguins, most of which died once the island was colonised by people who destroyed their habitat and built a bridge from the mainland which allowed foxes to wonder over and eat any remaining wildlife. Why one of the largest countries in the world needed to create a community on a tiny island is a good question in itself, but thankfully the government saw an opportunity to make some money while helping out the penguins. Tourism. Instead of blowing up the bridge and reinstating the island back to nature, huge tourist centres were erected, and tourists charged handsomely to come and see ‘The Penguin Parade’. Here little penguins come ashore at sunset and tend to their nests while tourists look on in awe and are shouted at by staff if trying to take a photo. Now this rant stems a little from me being told off for taking a photo, but I did so without a flash which is why the rule is there. My annoyance lies in the fact that three chunks of concrete have been constructed where thousands of tourists sit right in front of the beach where the penguins come ashore. The beach is lit up presumably not to help the penguins to find their tracks between the viewing platforms and their nests behind, but for tourists to be able to see. Throughout the nesting grounds is a maze of boardwalks, paths, and fences, all alive with people, it’s hardly a stress-free environment. This isn’t a dig at Australia, just conservation in general and the fact that everything has to be monetised. Maybe there are other areas of the island completely off-limits that are funded through one small area sacrificed for tourism, I hope so, but I’m not convinced and anyway, the bridge still stands, the original habitat is still lost to modern agriculture, and the surrounding seas are overfished.

My two weeks in Melbourne had it all. Warm sunshine, a great couple of hours kayaking down the Yarra River, epic food and wine, Aussie Rules, the sound of F1 cars, BBQs, great friends, siestas in the botanical gardens, penguins, beaches, and IKEA furniture. I loved Melbourne when I first visited in 2008 but I wasn’t prepared for how much I would enjoy it over 15 years later. Rut is hoping to make the city her home, a city well suited to her lifestyle, in a country that offers opportunity for her career. I hope she does, at some point we have to settle together somewhere and one of us will have to cave in. Right now, she definitely has the upper hand. I left Melbourne with a rejuvenated relationship as hoped but returned to the UK still unsure of a job. No more flights are booked, no more tours, no idea when I will see Rut again. I’m aware I am very fortunate to be able to do everything discussed in these blogs but there comes a time when a man desires the consistency in life that a job can provide. Love, cows, travel, money, family and friends, saving the world, how is one meant to balance them all for optimum happiness? Optimum is the key word here, I prefer compromise to sacrifice, maybe that makes me ignorant or, ironically, selfish. I don’t believe in perfection, so why make sacrifices in pursuit of it? What I do know is that targeting that optimal balance, and therefore happiness, makes for an exciting life and one I will continue to enjoy so long as I am able. If it leads me to Melbourne, I reckon I could live with that. 

31^st March 2024